What To Do If Your Partner Or Family Member Won’t Attend Therapy With You

Apr 8

Written By Kim Fry

Family therapy + couples therapy (also known as systems or relationship therapy) can be a transformative process, offering a safe space for families to build greater understanding of one another, address points of conflict, improve communication, and foster deeper connections. However, it is not uncommon for someone within the family unit to resist the idea of attending therapy. Whether it's due to skepticism of the efficacy of therapy, fear of what might come up, or simply feeling discomfort with the idea, not having all members on board to participate can pose a challenge. So, how can you navigate family therapy when someone doesn't want to attend? Read along to find out!

Step One: Understand Their Reasoning

Before diving into strategies, it's necessary to understand why a family member might be reluctant to attend therapy. Some common reasons include the following:

Stigma. There's still a stigma attached to therapy in many cultures and communities, leading some individuals to perceive seeking help as a sign of weakness. It may seem taboo to let a stranger into the inner workings of a family system. Open dialogue with your family regarding their thoughts about therapy.

Fear of Change. Therapy often involves confronting difficult emotions and making changes, which can be intimidating when you’re used to current dynamics. Although current dynamics may not be helpful, they can be comfortable! Therapy requires disrupting those patterns to make space for more helpful ones.
Lack of Trust. Has your family member attended therapy before? If they had a bad or unhelpful experience in the past, it may take time to rebuild that trust. Additionally, some individuals may simply not trust the process or the therapist, so it’s important to choose a therapist they would feel comfortable with, whether that’s based on the therapist’s approach, cultural identity, or personality.
Feeling Blamed. There might be a fear of being blamed or judged by other family members during therapy sessions. It’s important to stress that within systems therapy, the family or couple is the client, not just one individual! Each family member has responsibility and accountability within the system.

Step Two: Approach with Compassion + Empathy

When someone in the family is unsure about attending therapy, it's important to approach the situation with compassion and empathy. Pressuring or coercing them into therapy is unlikely to be productive and can worsen the situation. Instead, consider the following approaches:

Open Dialogue. Initiate an open and non-confrontational dialogue to understand the individual's concerns and reservations about therapy. Listen actively and validate their feelings without judgment. Get curious about their inner world.

Educate. Provide information about the benefits of therapy and how it can positively impact the entire family. Address any misconceptions they may have and emphasize that therapy is a collaborative process, not a blame game. Inquire into how your family therapist approaches therapy, involve them in any consultation calls so that you can decide together if the therapist is a good fit, and provide them space to ask the therapist questions.

Respect Autonomy + Personal Choice. It should come to no surprise that at Autonomy Therapy, we value autonomy! Respect the individual's autonomy and right to make their own decisions. Avoid using guilt, ultimatums, bribing, or manipulation tactics to convince them to attend therapy. This can lead to resentment and impact the efficacy of therapy.
Consider Alternatives. If attending traditional therapy sessions is out of the question, explore alternative options like self-help resources (like books, podcasts, social media accounts, etc.) that they can engage with at their own pace. Find our list of recommended resources by visiting our favorite resources page.

Step Three: Involve Them in the Process

Even if the resistant family member chooses not to attend therapy sessions initially, it's still possible to involve them in the therapeutic process indirectly:

Keep Them Informed. Keep them in the loop about the topics discussed in therapy sessions and any progress made. Let them know what has been helpful for you so far. This helps them feel included and may eventually pique their interest in participating.
Engage in Conversation. You can still involve them by seeing if they’re open to doing activities or exercises recommended by the therapist, such as journaling, communication exercises, or reading relevant materials within the comfort of your home.
See If They’re Open to Individual Therapy. Suggest individual therapy sessions for the resistant family member as a starting point. Building a therapeutic relationship with a counselor one-on-one may eventually lead to greater openness to family therapy.

Step Four: Focus on Self-Improvement

In the meantime, family members who are ready to participate in therapy can focus on their own self-improvement and interpersonal skills. By demonstrating positive changes and modeling healthy behaviors, they may inspire the reluctant family member to reconsider participating in therapy.

Overall, dealing with reluctance to participate in family therapy requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to open communication within the family. While it can be challenging, respecting the individual's autonomy and feelings is essential. By approaching the situation with empathy and exploring alternative avenues for involvement, it's possible to gradually overcome resistance and create a more supportive and cohesive family environment. Remember, therapy is a journey. Everyone moves at their own pace, and that’s okay!

Are you ready to start individual, couples, or family therapy? Our skilled team of clinicians are ready to help! Send us a message or reach out to our client care coordinator to get started!